 |
"2009 will present the Dog with a number of challenges. Your patience will certainly be tested in more than one instance."
Already I don't like this, but I feel like that's general horoscope B.S. that you always see.
"You may not necessarily gain the notoriety you desire in your career, but certain advancement opportunities will surface throughout the year."
This is not something I wanted to hear. Also, are they talking about my current career or my dream one where I hit the big time, ghost-writing blogs for uninteresting celebrities?
"You will find comfort with your family and solidify bonds that are necessary for your well being."
OK, I still haven't heard anything about how much I'm going to get laid. BORING!!
"You may have issues juggling your family life with your work schedule, but you will make great strides in both areas by the end of the year."
What about my boning schedule? All I want to know is how much money will I make, how many times will I get laid, is anyone I care about going to die, and are the Yankees going to win the Series? That's it. As much as I'd like to know if the Wild Mountain Chicken will be back at Wendy's, I'd prefer that to remain a surprise.
"Dog Rating - 52% (5 favorable, 4 neutral and 3 unfavorable months)"
I don't have the slightest idea what this means. Also, can you tell me what my unfavorable months are going to be? I'd like to know, even if I don't know what that means.
"Dog Career - Your work will play a large role in the year of the Ox."
Interesting... a Chinese girl I work with just told me she was the year of the Ox, then we argued about what an Ox was exactly with both of us being wrong (it's just a draught bovine, oddly both more and less specific than we thought). I can't see how she could make or destroy me, so I'll need to keep looking.
"You may find yourself working long hours to achieve a promotion or to further your pursuits."
Also true: every other year
"Though you may only see minor results this year from your hard work, your ethics do not go unnoticed."
See Also: 2008, 2007, 2006... is this for people who are normally shitty at their jobs?
"Later in the year, you may be offered a step in the right direction, which will flourish sometime next year. Stay focused and be willing to listen to the advice of others and you should have a promising year with your work."
This must be about my celebrity faux-blogging, because all this stuff was more true of me LAST YEAR. I think I hate Chinese New Year.
"Dog Relationships"
Yeah, doggie style. Hot!
"Domestically, the Dog can achieve new levels in a relationship this year."
I'm sure what they mean is new levels of lady-pleasuring sexual ecstasy.
"People who know you think highly of you, as you are a well respected individual for your work ethics..."
Yes, I'm sure they will erect a great marble statue of me in the coming year. Finally, it's been a long time coming. Is this really part of relationships?
"... and your devotion to the ones you love."
Like a dog. I get it.
"Be open to communication, as you may, at times, be unwilling to change your views even when your partner has a valid point."
I may be stubborn or downright obstinate at times, but... ok, you're totally right on this one. Is this not true of everyone? I sometimes forget how reasonable people who aren't me can be.
"If you can work on this issue, then you will find your relations with family members and friends very gratifying this year."
Fuck anyone that disagrees with me. That's on the record now. That happened.
"Dog Health - Your strong work ethics leave you working long hours, sometimes denying the warning signs of the effects on your health."
Yeah, it's WORK that'll cause any health problems I might have. Certainly not any other lifestyle factors. You nailed this one. Bravo!
"Take the proper breaks and give yourself the time to recuperate from your busy work schedule or you may be out longer than you desire."
So... take more time off? I think I can do that. Does it count as time off when I spend it blogging?
"You are instinctively a very active person and exercise is not something that you need to remind yourself to do."
I love you Astrology.com partnership with Yahoo! Got it here first. I'm going to buy a segway tomorrow.
"Dog Wealth - Financially, you may not achieve the results you seek, but you are well on your way."
Fuck you.
"Keep your spending within your budget, even though there may be items that you desire to purchase to enrich your home."
Oh, now you've played your hand 'strolly (that's what I've been calling this article in my head the entire time). Clearly, you don't know me at all if you think this could possibly happen. I still have an extra Wii nunchuck that's still in the shrink-wrap. I once bought some rare artwork off eBay, paid the money, it never came and I never even tried to get my money back. I drink in Manhattan, REGULARLY. I once commissioned my father a custom oil painting of the Mona Lisa with his face painted over hers. This just isn't in the cards. Epic Fail. Also, isn't this more advise than a horoscope?
"The time will come to make the changes, just focus on the basics for now. There may be a change for the better towards the end of the year, so be patient and exercise care when it comes to spending."
Exercise care? I thought you said I didn't need to exercise? This makes me mad and want to buy Yankees season tickets.
OK, so that only took about 6 minutes to write, so let me look up my normal daily Libra horoscope for YESTERDAY to see how it did:
"Your big brain is helping you to figure out what needs to happen next and it could very well be that you're going to have to connect with someone on a new level in order to make progress."
WRONG!!!! All I did yesterday was watch 30 Rock in bed and wonder how my family would react if I quit my job and went to clown college. Wait... what if that is what needs to happen next? Do I need to connect on a new level with famed clown/instructor Barry Lubin? On a level other than stalker? Well... if I gave my two weeks notice today, I could start something else on February 10th... let's check my horoscope for then:
"Sometimes, following the rules is not the best way to get by. Make your own rules. "
Oh my sweet baby Jesus... it's like they looked right into my soul... and saw a Clown... a Clown that never cries when people on the internet beat him at Mario Kart.
* for the record I consider this dog to be a giant Doberman riding a surfboard atop a tsunami with the ability to bark out adorable but lethally posonious mini-dragons at will. He has the spirit of a honorable samurai, and the sexual appetite of... well a normal doberman really, they're all pretty horny.I'm planning on two rather lengthy volumes soon, as soon as I have time to really tear into them. One is a little more serious, about communication in the 21st century (but not in the way you think) and may even be split up into 2-parts, but the other one is what I'm hoping will be my pièce de résistance. It's about farts. Later bitches.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment