My Bucket List

OK, I had an idea the other day that I would make a "Bucket List" on the blog. I never saw the movie, so I'm just guessing that it's a list of things you want to do before you die. Well, here's my totally reasonable list:

• Learn to play at least one decent Billy Joel or Elton John song on the piano and be able to sing along to it. The whole song.
  
  
• Go whale watching.
  
  
• Finishing writing one of my stupid screenplays and actually send it around for honest feedback.
  
  
• Watch every episode of “The Wire”
  
  
• Bet enough money on a hand of poker that losing would ruin my life and win.
  
  
• Come into a sold-out baseball game in the bottom of the ninth inning to record a 1-out save on a three pitch strike-out (the third of which MUST be swinging).
  
  
• Read “Maus”
  
  
• Get bitten by a radioactive spider and gain the proportionate strength of a spider and some other more-vaguely described super powers.
  
  
• Get to Pakistan when they finally corner Osama Bin Laden. While all his men are in a firefight with American forces, slowly enter his dark cave quarters smoking a cigarette. After a deep exhale, look up and tell him “You know what they say... smoking will be the death... of YOU!” and then somehow murder him with the filter.
  
  
• Grow a mustache.
  
  
• Play a game of one-on-one with an also mustached David Lee, who is at that time second only to myself in being the toast of New York.
  
  
• Marry a gorgeous woman that allows me to see other women while she's pregnant because she knows I think that's gross.
  
  
• Leave her after the kids are no longer cute/fun/interesting.
  
  
• Get banned from a country (either my person, or my work)
  
  
• Start advertising on blog.
  
  
• Rescue a beautiful, busty woman from thieves, get rewarded with mind-blowing oral sex.
  
  
• Rob a bank in broad daylight without harming any customers.
  
  
• Hold an entire nation (somewhere rich but small that I've not year heard of or barely know) hostage with some elaborate scheme where I will use my powers and genius to lower the entire land mass by 2 meters, thus flooding. Thwart any attempts to stop me.
  
  
• Learn enough French to be able to competently order from an authentic French restaurant.
  
  
• Buy the Eiffel Tower with nation-hostage money. Use it only for public displays of love making, if you can even call it love after all the filthy things I will have gotten into at this point.
  
  


• Record a #1 Selling Rap Album, earn the respect of the entire industry.

• Develop an arch-foeship with a do-gooder. Use lots of good puns when bantering with him.
  
  
• Have my son (now in his 20's) track me down and confront me about leaving. Tell him that his mother drove him away and that I'm proud of him and then try to mold him into becoming me exactly.
  
  
• Conduct experiments on son to get him super-powers. If it works, then have him be my #2 until he's too powerful and then strike him down as an example to the others. If it doesn't work, discard body in a way so that no one knows if he ever found me.
  
  
• Go back to school for writing.
  
  
  
• Win a World Championship of boxing, retire undefeated.
  
  
• Be on my private boat when it's attacked by a giant Sea Monster, the last of it's kind and realize that I don't need to be who I was anymore and go out to battle the great beast as everyone else flees below deck. Light a cigarette, look up and deadpan “only one of us is walking away from this... and I'm the one with legs” before running and leaping onto the creature. Battle it for 2 days straight before it falls beneath my hands, dead.
  
  
• Try at an open mic and/or audition for a comedy troupe
  
  
• Ride the serpent corpse down to a hidden underwater kingdom, learn to breathe underwater and take a potion that allows for live forever in this kingdom, where I am loved by throngs of beautiful mermaid women that live only to bring me satisfaction and never ever die.