Slapdash Cognitions

Hello friends, the first couple of posts have been very sports-heavy, so I'm going to ditch that theme and take some time to digest some holiday cheer by writing some random ramblings of stuff I've been thinking, none of which (yet) really deserve a full blog.

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You should never play Mario Kart around children... you will curse. Seriously, I've never said "freaking" so many times in my life ("Uncle Jim, why did you say "freaking Yoshi or freaking turtle shell? What does that mean?"). Now I totally understand my Dad repeatedly yelling "shhhhhhhh... ugar" while playing Tetris when I was a kid.

Best Christmas gifts I got this year (in no particular order): Schumin Web T-Shirt, Lizard bobble head, Time away from the office, Ginsu Knife Set, some really good cookies (the peanut butter ones with the Hersey Kisses were really good), a series of stunningly awesome meals, Star Wars Ecko Hoody (admittedly I picked this out for myself), Emporio Armani Diamonds cologne and aftershave, and about 15 issues of ROM: Spaceknight. Don't worry if you don't understand why I like some of those gifts, I'd be kind of horrified if anyone outside of my family did.

I don't understand why I need to have a prescription for my contact lenses. Even more so I don't understand why this prescription has an expiration date so that I need to make a mad dash to 1-800-CONTACTS right before that date. I mean, I have a vision plan so I don't have to pay to see my eye dude, but it reeks of collusion that I HAVE to see an eye dude if I want to be able to buy contacts. Why is it that CVS can sell eye glasses off the shelf with no Rx but can't do the same with my soft lenses? This makes no sense, it's a freaking accessory, not something that can be abused. Think about it, if you had to go to speech therapist and get a new prescription every time you wanted to get a new cell phone, that would be insane, right?

Speaking of phone use, I'm aware that I (like, I assume, all Americans between the age of 11 and 40) have become quite adept at text messaging. I do it every single day, usually dozens of times, and there have been days where I did it more or less all-day non-stop. I use T9 and I can bang out a message on my phone almost as quick as I would be able to on my laptop. I'm quicker on my T9 than I could on an iPhone (unless I figure out a 2-thumb system for it). Here's the thing: I realize that as I've grown more adroit at texting I do it almost completely with my right hand. If for some reason I lost the ability to use "The Natural" Butch Reed (that's what I call my right arm and hand) then I'd not only be able to not write or type, but I also couldn't text. I need arm/hand insurance.

Porn DOES impact guys' perceptions of chicks, but not in the way that most chicks think. It's more like the way some girls (and my friend Pete) can get too into romantic comedies... it's all about attitude. I think we've all known that girl that is totally hot, smart, funny and yet single and you wonder why and then you realize it's because she's waiting for this perfect Hollywood moment that might never happen and as such things never work out with totally good guys that just don't bring the magic quite as much as she'd like. With guys (and porn), we don't think that girls are a bunch of vixens/whores, HOWEVER once you're with someone and you're about to get into some action, at that point we might (sometimes) appreciate it if they acted a little more like a porn-starlet and can be disappointed when they're not; every guy is looking for that girl that's a lady in the street and a freak in the bed, even if she may never come. Some girls: much better at this than others, just as I'm sure some guys are much better being romantic than others. I think a compromise is that members of each gender need to spend a minimum of 90 minutes per month watching a Romantic Comedy and a Pornographic film; we can all learn something from this. If you're already doing this, kudos! If not, I can make recommendations: start with "Say Anything" and "Island Fever 2".

I have shirts with the following "names": The Lumberjack, The Bizarro Blue Lumberjack, the Freddy Kreuger, The Gay Cowboy (never worn), The Picnic Tablecloth, The Party Dragon, The Floral and a jacket called The Sea Captain. All of them are pretty much exactly what you'd expect from the names. I purchased most of these for myself, completely aware of what they look like. I like most of them. Then again, I once went over a year naming nearly every poop I had (the way an artist might title an abstract painting) and still do for particularly monumental pieces of work (I may create a separate blog for this at some point).

"Rocky IV" is the greatest sports movie and it's not particularly close. I love "The Natural", "Pride of the Yankees", "Major League", "Major League II", "Vision Quest", "Remember the Titans", "Victory", and "BASEketball" as much as anyone... but this isn't even an argument, right? I mean, there's no-one on planet Earth that would argue "The Rookie" (a totally fine movie btw) is better than "Rocky IV", right? I'm not saying this happened to me or anything, I'm just saying. Also, why is it that Boxing and Baseball seem to make the best movies? There are some fine golf and football movies, but nothing transcendent, and basketball and hockey don't have any movies I'd call anything better than solid (yes, I've seen "Hoosiers" and I stand by my statement). I may be forgetting something here, let me know if I am.

Olivia Munn might be my dreamgirl, but I also get the impression that if we met in real life there's no way I wouldn't hate her after about an hour. This makes me wonder if more people hate me than I think do because I (like my construction of Olivia) need to always (or at least usually) try to be "on". I'm really insecure about my overreaction to my own insecurity.

My schedule should be clearing up quite a bit in mid to late February (I hope) and I shouldn't have to spend such crazy hours at the office. I've kind of grown used to working 50-60 hour weeks, and I've decided that if I go back to the 40-50 hour workweek world, I'd like to use those other 10 hours productively and I'd welcome any input on how to do that. #1 is going to be exercising more, #2 is playing videogames again (with a Wii it's like exercise-light, so that's a double whammy), and I think #3 is going to be volunteering again. I was considering going back to the ASPCA, but as much as I love animals (and I really love animals) I really think that this time I should help people. I'm thinking the homeless, underprivileged children/adolescents/teenagers, and the elderly (in that order) are the people I want to help... I'd love to volunteer with sick kids, but I just don't think I can. I also think I might volunteer with something with the arts; if I have enough time and am willing to put in 5+ hours of volunteer work a week I can probably do more than one thing and that's the kind of overextension you can feel good about.

Is it just me or is there no good awards season movies this year? It seems like "Milk" is the only one that seems like a sure-thing to pull down nominations, maybe "Doubt" and that new Kate Winslet movie too but that's about it. Is it possible that a bunch of old men actually might consider giving some more prestigious nominations to some films from the greatest summer popcorn season of all time in "The Dark Knight" and "Iron Man"? That would be pretty BA if they did that (and I totally think they should).

One quick sports thought: I know that Football playoffs are starting soon and my attention should really be on the Giants, but I have to say that I've been more obsessed with baseball than ever. I've been reading the ENTIRETY of FireJoeMorgan since they signed off (a sad day for the blogosphere) and it's been getting me absolutely wet for pitchers and catchers to report, getting down on some March Madness (something I consider part of baseball-preparation due to it's timing), and the season starting again. I'll (probably) offer my full thoughts on the hot stove and particularly the Yankees at some later date. I can tell you right now that the team is not constituted QUITE how I would like it to be, but the Yanks look pretty lethal, and there's still time for Manny, Donkey, Sheets, and/or Fuentes to join the fray, in addition to some more minor guys and possibly/probably Pettite (a name I'm pretty sure I've never spelled correctly once).

OK peeps, if you want to start your shopping from next year I could use a waffle iron, a raspberry beret, and every season of "21 Jump Street" on DVD/Blueray. Don't feel shy about leaving a comment. It will warm my heart, and I know people are reading (Google Analytics and my Haitian Voodoo Priest both give me regular reports) but I need comments to feel validated the same way a puppy needs to be pet every time it does something cute that doesn't involve pooping. Anyway, until next week (ish): Stay Classy.

Shockingly, we stay sober on Christmas in my family

I'm just about to go to bed following Christmas and in the last few hours I've ran the gamut of introspective thoughts more intensely than I do most nights. I want to write a blog, but it's like two thirty and I need to go to bed. It's a shame, the music I was listening to makes me want to write something so badass that it'd be comparable to something Bruce Willis would say a terrorist with a European accent before dropping him off the roof of a building into a skylight next door just because they didn't get his drink order right (in this particular scenario he thought said terrorist was just a bartender). Stay well bitches, Daddy will be back with something to sink your teeth into soon enough.

I'm going to get a dog, name it DeSean, and beat the shit out of it

NOTE: I'm not a fan of animal abuse, the title of this post is meant to be satirical. I do wholly endorse everyone mailing feces to DeSean Jackson, that part was serious.

So, I'm watching the Eagles play the Browns on Monday Night Football, wishing I were asleep instead. I'm watching to see if DeSean Jackson will be able to score 0.05 or more fantasy points in the 4th quarter so I can win in one of my fantasy football leagues and make the finals. I should already have won, but Jackson got negative points for throwing an interception. For those of you that aren't in the know about the NFL, DeSean Jackson is a wide receiver (not a quarterback,) and as such he should not be throwing interceptions, particularly interceptions that could knock me out of my own fantasy football league. Notice when you read that sentence that I'm not happy, even though it seems likely that I could make the finals out of 12 teams. That's because Fantasy Football leagues end with 9-15 people that are a range of furious and 1 person that is moderately happy, but not even that happy because by the time he or she has won the league no one else is listening to anything they have to say. Quite frankly I have no idea why I play it (let alone so voraciously as I'm in 4 leagues this year); I suspect a lot of it is to have something to talk about, something to make me seem smart and better than others (since I'm moderately better at this than many people). Much of it is escapism too, it gives me a little world to duck into for a few minutes here and there every Tuesday morning at work... granted it's a little world that's going to end in Armageddon over 90% of the time. I feel sick, I've been putting crazy hours in at the office, been canceling things in my personal life, and I want nothing more than to sleep yet I cannot stop watching this game because I need to know how angry I'm supposed to feel tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure Tony Kornheiser has no idea where the red zone is. That guy is terrible. I think I used to like PTI 7,000 years ago but I find that hard to believe now, Kornheiser isn't much better than Woody Paige and Wilbon has been phoning it in since I was a junior in college. Why is it so hard to get together a team for MNF? Nearly every squad for CBS and Fox are at least borderline-passable in that you can tune them out, but MNF makes me want to cook pieces of my own brain in a skillet. ESPN must have some good NFL people, don't they? Somewhere? Just let Keyshawn and Ditka do it, at least they'd be awful in a totally new (and maybe amazing) way. I suppose it could be worse, Chris Berman and Joe Morgan could be doing the game. Another Eagles score, no touches by DJ. Getting worried and seriously thinking about what the legal penalty will be if I get caught trying to mail my feces to DeSean if his interception throw costs me this fantasy league by less than one half of one tenth of a point.

Random Thought: You ever see those kids on the subway that sell those square boxes of M&M's on the subway? Why is it the square boxes? Why is it kids trying to raise money for school and movie theaters are the only place on the planet that sell M&M's in boxes? Personally, I don't like those kids and it's not because I hate everyone on the subway (which is pretty much totally true when I'm sober), especially those that want money (true even when I'm not sober;) it's also not because I have an issue with M&M's, they're adequate I suppose, a very workmanlike candy that rarely transcends the medium, but a good bag of Peanut M&M's can brighten a few minutes of my otherwise somber (because of fantasy football) existence. There were a lot of commas in that sentence. I blame DeSean Jackson. I need a cigarette. Anyway, the reason I don't like those kids is because even if I do want to buy some peanut M&M's at the precise moment they walk by I won't because I'm overweight and don't want to perpetuate the stereotype by buying candy in a public forum (and perhaps pouring the box out on myself with my mouth open). I would enthusiastically buy baby carrots if that's what they were selling.

BTW, if you run into Ralph Nader and are wondering why he's crying it's because I'm writing this in my apartment which is 88 degrees Fahrenheit right now. That's not made up and not even an exaggeration. 88 fucking degrees... on December 15th... in New York. Last month I almost woke up with frostbite several times and had to threaten legal action against my building's management group because there was no heat. Today the heat is so high in here that opening the window isn't even helping and I'm going to need to use the air conditioner. On December 15th. In New York. Better known as the night that Desean Jackson became a bitter lifelong enemy of all those that wear my family emblem (which I imagine is the Grim Reaper riding a dragon's skeleton with a couple of Scores girls).

Uggghh... they have a graphic on the screen that's trying to prove that Andy Reid is a good football coach. No he's not. I'm pretty sure this is known information pretty much across as football-aware public. He's a terrible play-caller, he has rarely gotten the most out of his talent, and his clock-management skills are at best abhorrent. I'm sure the man is very nice to his family, and is undoubtedly a world-class competitive eater (particularly meatball heroes) but he's not a good football coach. The only things I really like about him is that he looks like my friend Johnny O, is a great target for easy jokes, and that he doesn't coach the New York Football Giants. McNabb just threw a TAINT, so maybe they'll throw it. Come on... just once. Do it for me Johnny.

Quick three & out (great calls and clock management there) and now I need the Browns to get a quick score to have a shot at this. You know what? I almost don't even want to win. I think I'll enjoy complaining more about how I lost than if I pull this out, get happy for 0.024 seconds before going to bed and then being even more angry when I lose next week. At least I'm just wearing my boxers with the fan on and it still feels like I'm watching the game inside Satan's vacation getaway inside a volcano in Egypt.

OK, with just about 5 minutes left and the Browns down 30-10 they just punted. Ummmm... what? I understand that they have no chance at the playoffs, but isn't the goal of playing football still to win games? Are they not feeling that today? Maybe they want to spice things up and try something different? This game sucks, watching Romeo Crennel and Andy Reid go head-to-head in a White Castle sack race would be far more entertaining. Seeing these two makes me want to talk about the corpulence of the Yankees' spending last week, but I don't even have the effort to talk myself into those deals one way or the other right now let alone make a convincing argument that adding another big bat to this team would help more than A.J. “I look like I pick up 17 year old girls at skating parks” Burnett. Also, why don't the Yankees have Ben Sheets yet? He started the effing All-Star Game last year and has a really reasonable list of demands. I mean, since he's only looking for 2-3 years so there's a significantly lower likelihood that he'll be the team's #7 starter in 5-years than the other two.

Ok, we're past the 2-minute warning and Philly just punted back to the Browns to pretty much ice the game for me unless DJ comes in and records a sack or something. Fuck this, I'm out. Desean Jackson, may you rot in hell (which coincidentally will have the same climate as my apartment as soon as the Human Torch dies and moves in there). Seriously? A WR Interception throw? That's what it's come to God?

Mission Statement

OK, so this blog is titled “David Lee Needs a 'Stache“ and I suppose I need to explain why. Well, I guess it was about a month ago that I was at opening night for the Knicks at MSG and I started thinking about a few things. The predominant thought was that the Knicks are one of the flagship teams in the NBA (along with the Celtics, Lakers, Bobcats, and Bulls) and yet they really don't have any super-popular athletes that are embraced by the city and marketing execs. You see Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Eli Manning, David Wright, Bret Favre, Johan Santana, and Joba Chamberlain everywhere, but it's been about a decade since we've seen a ubiquitous Knickerbocker. Since the NHL folded in 1998 the NBA has been the only relevant winter sports league in the United States, New Yorkers love basketball, and yet there is no one that represents the team to the common man.

I have a solution. David Lee has been almost unilaterally the most popular Knick for the last few years, has been one of if not the best Knick in this same time period, and it appears this is unlikely to change until after next season, so he's the player I'm targeting. My theory is that he will never be an unstoppable force in the league with his ceiling being a borderline 3rd string all-star, so he needs to bring something else to the table to gain notoriety and get his name into the collective unconscious of the citizens of New York. I think that something is a mustache. Everyone loves a big goofy white guy playing basketball; this is inarguable. However another thing that just about everyone loves is an ironic 70's porn 'stache on a celebrity and if said celebrity can't totally pull it off and it's totally wispy (as I can only assume Mr. Lee's would be) then that's even better. I think this would give us something to talk about that's only tangentially about basketball, which is exactly what this city needs because right now no one really wants to talk about basketball. Then again, maybe I'm wrong.

So that's why the name of this blog is what it is. That said, I will more than likely never bring this up again. It's been a month, I've not thought of more than 3 basketball/'stache thoughts in that time frame and do feel like blogging about other stuff and don't feel like changing the name. In reality I'm just going to rant like any other blogger about whatever I feel like and try to provide funny spins on it. Occasionally I'll write about my feelings and why I'm so alone in the universe and write poetry that will imply that I may be a cutter. I might think about flagging individual posts with either a smiley face, meaning it's something that you might find funny, or with a sad face meaning that you don't want to read it unless you're secretly in love with me.

With that, welcome to the blog, I hope you stay awhile, unless you're looking to point out my mis-spellings and poor grammar, that's just weak, I blog so that I don't have to proof-read, if I wanted to proof-read I would get a job and move out of my mom's basement.