NOTE: I'm not a fan of animal abuse, the title of this post is meant to be satirical. I do wholly endorse everyone mailing feces to DeSean Jackson, that part was serious.
So, I'm watching the Eagles play the Browns on Monday Night Football, wishing I were asleep instead. I'm watching to see if DeSean Jackson will be able to score 0.05 or more fantasy points in the 4th quarter so I can win in one of my fantasy football leagues and make the finals. I should already have won, but Jackson got negative points for throwing an interception. For those of you that aren't in the know about the NFL, DeSean Jackson is a wide receiver (not a quarterback,) and as such he should not be throwing interceptions, particularly interceptions that could knock me out of my own fantasy football league. Notice when you read that sentence that I'm not happy, even though it seems likely that I could make the finals out of 12 teams. That's because Fantasy Football leagues end with 9-15 people that are a range of furious and 1 person that is moderately happy, but not even that happy because by the time he or she has won the league no one else is listening to anything they have to say. Quite frankly I have no idea why I play it (let alone so voraciously as I'm in 4 leagues this year); I suspect a lot of it is to have something to talk about, something to make me seem smart and better than others (since I'm moderately better at this than many people). Much of it is escapism too, it gives me a little world to duck into for a few minutes here and there every Tuesday morning at work... granted it's a little world that's going to end in Armageddon over 90% of the time. I feel sick, I've been putting crazy hours in at the office, been canceling things in my personal life, and I want nothing more than to sleep yet I cannot stop watching this game because I need to know how angry I'm supposed to feel tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure Tony Kornheiser has no idea where the red zone is. That guy is terrible. I think I used to like PTI 7,000 years ago but I find that hard to believe now, Kornheiser isn't much better than Woody Paige and Wilbon has been phoning it in since I was a junior in college. Why is it so hard to get together a team for MNF? Nearly every squad for CBS and Fox are at least borderline-passable in that you can tune them out, but MNF makes me want to cook pieces of my own brain in a skillet. ESPN must have some good NFL people, don't they? Somewhere? Just let Keyshawn and Ditka do it, at least they'd be awful in a totally new (and maybe amazing) way. I suppose it could be worse, Chris Berman and Joe Morgan could be doing the game. Another Eagles score, no touches by DJ. Getting worried and seriously thinking about what the legal penalty will be if I get caught trying to mail my feces to DeSean if his interception throw costs me this fantasy league by less than one half of one tenth of a point.
Random Thought: You ever see those kids on the subway that sell those square boxes of M&M's on the subway? Why is it the square boxes? Why is it kids trying to raise money for school and movie theaters are the only place on the planet that sell M&M's in boxes? Personally, I don't like those kids and it's not because I hate everyone on the subway (which is pretty much totally true when I'm sober), especially those that want money (true even when I'm not sober;) it's also not because I have an issue with M&M's, they're adequate I suppose, a very workmanlike candy that rarely transcends the medium, but a good bag of Peanut M&M's can brighten a few minutes of my otherwise somber (because of fantasy football) existence. There were a lot of commas in that sentence. I blame DeSean Jackson. I need a cigarette. Anyway, the reason I don't like those kids is because even if I do want to buy some peanut M&M's at the precise moment they walk by I won't because I'm overweight and don't want to perpetuate the stereotype by buying candy in a public forum (and perhaps pouring the box out on myself with my mouth open). I would enthusiastically buy baby carrots if that's what they were selling.
BTW, if you run into Ralph Nader and are wondering why he's crying it's because I'm writing this in my apartment which is 88 degrees Fahrenheit right now. That's not made up and not even an exaggeration. 88 fucking degrees... on December 15th... in New York. Last month I almost woke up with frostbite several times and had to threaten legal action against my building's management group because there was no heat. Today the heat is so high in here that opening the window isn't even helping and I'm going to need to use the air conditioner. On December 15th. In New York. Better known as the night that Desean Jackson became a bitter lifelong enemy of all those that wear my family emblem (which I imagine is the Grim Reaper riding a dragon's skeleton with a couple of Scores girls).
Uggghh... they have a graphic on the screen that's trying to prove that Andy Reid is a good football coach. No he's not. I'm pretty sure this is known information pretty much across as football-aware public. He's a terrible play-caller, he has rarely gotten the most out of his talent, and his clock-management skills are at best abhorrent. I'm sure the man is very nice to his family, and is undoubtedly a world-class competitive eater (particularly meatball heroes) but he's not a good football coach. The only things I really like about him is that he looks like my friend Johnny O, is a great target for easy jokes, and that he doesn't coach the New York Football Giants. McNabb just threw a TAINT, so maybe they'll throw it. Come on... just once. Do it for me Johnny.
Quick three & out (great calls and clock management there) and now I need the Browns to get a quick score to have a shot at this. You know what? I almost don't even want to win. I think I'll enjoy complaining more about how I lost than if I pull this out, get happy for 0.024 seconds before going to bed and then being even more angry when I lose next week. At least I'm just wearing my boxers with the fan on and it still feels like I'm watching the game inside Satan's vacation getaway inside a volcano in Egypt.
OK, with just about 5 minutes left and the Browns down 30-10 they just punted. Ummmm... what? I understand that they have no chance at the playoffs, but isn't the goal of playing football still to win games? Are they not feeling that today? Maybe they want to spice things up and try something different? This game sucks, watching Romeo Crennel and Andy Reid go head-to-head in a White Castle sack race would be far more entertaining. Seeing these two makes me want to talk about the corpulence of the Yankees' spending last week, but I don't even have the effort to talk myself into those deals one way or the other right now let alone make a convincing argument that adding another big bat to this team would help more than A.J. “I look like I pick up 17 year old girls at skating parks” Burnett. Also, why don't the Yankees have Ben Sheets yet? He started the effing All-Star Game last year and has a really reasonable list of demands. I mean, since he's only looking for 2-3 years so there's a significantly lower likelihood that he'll be the team's #7 starter in 5-years than the other two.
Ok, we're past the 2-minute warning and Philly just punted back to the Browns to pretty much ice the game for me unless DJ comes in and records a sack or something. Fuck this, I'm out. Desean Jackson, may you rot in hell (which coincidentally will have the same climate as my apartment as soon as the Human Torch dies and moves in there). Seriously? A WR Interception throw? That's what it's come to God?
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